it's been a while let see if i can still do this

Well the world of me is spinning as ever trying to get by day to day as best i can. Also acquired my sisters presence in my newly gained home but myself an my son are all good with that. Love of my life has been lack luster an without much thrills an spills. 6 months single and counting guess there is no romeo out there for me anytime soon. But I am much better in myself away from the counselling and dealing with loss of my nan as best I can a day at an time. Been pondering the idea of maybe starting writing and seeing how that goes who knows my blogging could turn into my passion and then on into something more. I still j'adore my football although as any red follower will tell you times have been troubled and tough of late but that still doesn't dampen my passion and pride. We will bounce back my LFC a girls one true love.

 I have not found single parenthood easy I can't lie my tears and tantrums have been nearly as regular as my sons but I am coping and working on being the best mum I can be focusing on giving him all he needs the toughest obstacle breaking past that moment when I have a near 4 year old  yelling at me that he doesn't like me anymore and he wants his dad. But its all part an parcel of day to day events never a dull moment.

Crazy as  may be we have 2 further editions to the family in out kittens both wild little hell raisers who's only fear so far seems to be my son. But as i battle against ex's and real mothers over financial security i think to myself well I am still waking every morning and seizing the day as best as my will and body can so i am doing ok for now I will blog more again soon when I find my stride but this is just a hey still here don't forget about me.

After a lil lapse and space

Well its days away from October and this year is flying  so fast I fear am gonna miss something but am working again now got a great little job  as a waitress I get to indulge in delightful Italian food all in the name of work and service. I am studying to become a teacher and as far as my coping without nan everyday is different i have both good and bad days day where i know in my heart she is with me and loves me and days where i just don't want to lift my head off the pillow because life feels unfair but am on a good day so i chose today to blog . My little boy is loving being in nursery and i am finding myself getting things done without half the stress which is frankly bloody brilliant. I have been enthralled in reading again I am guilty as charged when I confess am obsessed with the Fifty Shades Trilogy. An I only wish I could say I was feeling the love for my beloved red men its been hit n miss off late mainly hitting the ball and alot of missing but have to say enjoyed both there 5-3 win an 2-1 win although I am glad of those am still praying for success on the prem front. I am still avidly gaming and all things music related although I don't see myself getting into the gangham thing thats flying about at the moment just doesn't float my boat. An also thanks to my ell-bomb friend am daring to attempt writing in a creative sense although i have hit a block after the first 4 paragraphs on what angle to take next but seeing as she is officially published I am taking her advice and just writing when the mood takes me.

By the way check out her book its well worth it the girls worked so hard on this for a long time http://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/product/B009HBR2PY/ref=oh_d__o00_details_o00__i00

But thats it really between serving drinks an serving tables essay practice down time and study am doing ok so i thought i would take some time to day hey still here still going and still working my way through the insanity of my life.

I need to get it out there

The smiles are cracking the face is faltering and i don't know how much longer i can hold myself together at the moment life doesn't seem to be catching up on me it seems to be stalking me down as though on some form of a hunt.
I am at the stage at the moment where I feel like am up against a wall my mummy role is where I seem to be struggling for love nor money I can't get my son potty trained and his tantrums and lashing out are wearing me down and all the time outs in the world are seemingly useless against his strength of will.
As well as that I am facing the prospect of having counselling to help me handle the loss of my nan as it seems according to medical people I am not processing it as I need to and they are worried as I feel the need to pick myself up get on with life an be strong ......... but I have to do that hence why I keep saying it every-time they tilt there head n ask how am feeling.
So although I have my boy to keep my busy n make me smile it feels as though my ability to handle things is a bit away from me at the moment and its not helped by this gut wrenching fear from what the counsellor is goin to have to say.
I know what is wrong with my an why my heads a mess is because I have lost the person who I went to for everything I advice ranting the whole 9 yards and she is gone and there is nothing that can change that but I am trying to cope as best I can and I know that I am going to have lows like this and there are gonna be days and times that suck frustrations over ignorant employers but I have to get on with it I need to pick myself up and get on with life because what good am to anyone if I don't.......

So time to use on a rainy day

Well i have been vacant from most of the worldwide web for a little while so i am pretty out of the loop but i m getting back on my feet and pulling myself together. We gave up the hell house which was causing alot of our stress and i got through saying goodbye to my nan as best i could. Now i just have to get back on with life and be strong for my boy he needs me and i needs me too be strong for me too as i cant let it eat at me how much i miss my nan she would only kick my ass for it if she were still here. So now i am back battling life head on and i thought the best way to announce that i am picking myself up and putting my big girl boots on to kick start the days. I am back staying with family so i am leaning on my support at home and i am grateful for all the love and kindness shown to me by my cyber pals its strange but some have shown more kindness and support than peopel who have known me my whole life. But i just wanted to say thanks mostly as i sit here tryna get warm on a baltic day snuggled by the fire. I have made a choice to run next years race for life and plan to do fund raising for the macmillian nurses who helped my family and em soo much so if you have a fund raising idea for a short arse with awful coordination let me know considering as man options as i can to raise as much as i can for the cause. todays blog will only be short and sweet just really a short mention that am doing ok and to pick your brain so please reply in comment box or tweet me any ideas for fund raising that i can look into .

much love an thanks xxxx

how am i goint to get thru this

i dont know what to do with myself nana lost her fight with ovarian cancer at 10:15 this morning i feel lost and numb i feel empty and as though i am in some horrible dream this has all happened to fast and i dont know how i am going to get through this i know she isnt in pain any more and she is back in my grandads arms but i miss her soo much it hurts i held her hand willing with every fibre in my body that she would squeeze it back. an finally my weakness in having to leave as i coudlt sit ther any longer convinced she had moved or breathed i just dont know how i am goin to do this now i need my nana an i miss her soo soo much its not fair that she has been stolen from me like this i am heartbroken lost weak and utterly devastated i just want to hug her n to hear her voice 

i dont know how to deal with this

just got home after what was a normal day spent with my son popped to the shop n made a call to see how my nan was only to be told that i was about to be phoned. the end of life (pathway) medication has started an i felt sick knocked to the core when i was told the rate she is deteriorating they don't think she has a week left how in the hell did this happen how didnt i see it or do more sooner i keep racking why didnt i know sooner and do something about this . I sit here in all honeslty what i can only describe as empty asking myself the same things and i dont have an answer all i can think is i must of  been evil in  a former life to have the one person who i never dreamt of loosing snatched away in what seems to be a cruel and sinister way if cancer was a person i would be locked up for a thousand years for the things i would do to it torture wouldn't come close to covering it . 

I hate that I am now powerless to the events that are now collapsing around me my eyes are sore i need to  cry but cant find the tears an i am lost how am i gonna cope without the person who i call for the recipe for my sons favourite cakes cookies or stew i never thought to write it down because i neer thought that she would  be gone and i know its foolish but now all i want is my nan to be able to tell me all the things she knows so i can keep the tradition going on and i haent done it and now she is so unwell that i cant and i realise how stupid i have been not to think of it sooner. I dont know how many more blogs there will be after this if i can muster it  i will and i hope i am wrong in my fears but i dont think this world is kind enough to let me be wrong.  

I just want things to be how they should be not like this this life is cruel and vicous and its unfair.

This is my be strange to share but for me its a kind of therapy.

hello i am back again but today its to talk about some thing that has currently happening in my life and to make aware to people just how anyone can be effected by this. I am the granddaughter of an astounding woman a woman who raised me when things were hard and helped me become who i am today. For a few weeks now i have been dealing with this lady who means the world to me being very ill an in discomfort. We were made aware that she had a cyst that they were going to look at treating the cyst seemed to pose no further danger than the discomfort but they said they would do tests just incase. Sadly my nan became increasingly weaker and unable to manage much food or drink all of which came to head on saturday just gone when she got rushed to hospital. After several tests we found she had a irregular heartbeat possibly brought on by a mild heart attack. This came as a huge shock but further tests were ordered. So today we went to the hospital after being told they had the results and were dealt the devastating news that my nan has a 25cm tumour on her ovary that they have found to be cancerous and that although there are potential avenues to go down the doctors advise us that she is simply too weak to handle them and they would merely cause her more distress than aid her as they feel the cancer has progressed to far this entire whirlwind took place over 4-5 weeks from her getting ill to us being told we can no longer do anything to save her. Today i have cried till it hurts and then cried again and i know some people will wonder why i have blogged this but for me this is like my diary of things i feel i need to say out loud i am scared upset and trying my hardest to be strong but i wanted to share my familys story of just how devastatingly fast our lives have been turned upside down as over the next few days/week/months we are having my nan come home so for however long we have left with ehr she can be comfortable at home with her family around her it is her last wish a wish i never expected to hear so soon and i will stand by it and now we look to the support of the macmillian team. I intend to post a link for  the ovarian cancer support site and the macmillain cancer support site if my story helps maybe one person think about getting that worry checked or helps some one in a similar place then i can tell my nan i show her my blogs and she knows i am an open book to all . thanks for taking the time to read this here are the links http://www.ovacome.org.uk/
http://www.macmillan.org.uk