how am i goint to get thru this

i dont know what to do with myself nana lost her fight with ovarian cancer at 10:15 this morning i feel lost and numb i feel empty and as though i am in some horrible dream this has all happened to fast and i dont know how i am going to get through this i know she isnt in pain any more and she is back in my grandads arms but i miss her soo much it hurts i held her hand willing with every fibre in my body that she would squeeze it back. an finally my weakness in having to leave as i coudlt sit ther any longer convinced she had moved or breathed i just dont know how i am goin to do this now i need my nana an i miss her soo soo much its not fair that she has been stolen from me like this i am heartbroken lost weak and utterly devastated i just want to hug her n to hear her voice 

i dont know how to deal with this

just got home after what was a normal day spent with my son popped to the shop n made a call to see how my nan was only to be told that i was about to be phoned. the end of life (pathway) medication has started an i felt sick knocked to the core when i was told the rate she is deteriorating they don't think she has a week left how in the hell did this happen how didnt i see it or do more sooner i keep racking why didnt i know sooner and do something about this . I sit here in all honeslty what i can only describe as empty asking myself the same things and i dont have an answer all i can think is i must of  been evil in  a former life to have the one person who i never dreamt of loosing snatched away in what seems to be a cruel and sinister way if cancer was a person i would be locked up for a thousand years for the things i would do to it torture wouldn't come close to covering it . 

I hate that I am now powerless to the events that are now collapsing around me my eyes are sore i need to  cry but cant find the tears an i am lost how am i gonna cope without the person who i call for the recipe for my sons favourite cakes cookies or stew i never thought to write it down because i neer thought that she would  be gone and i know its foolish but now all i want is my nan to be able to tell me all the things she knows so i can keep the tradition going on and i haent done it and now she is so unwell that i cant and i realise how stupid i have been not to think of it sooner. I dont know how many more blogs there will be after this if i can muster it  i will and i hope i am wrong in my fears but i dont think this world is kind enough to let me be wrong.  

I just want things to be how they should be not like this this life is cruel and vicous and its unfair.