After a lil lapse and space

Well its days away from October and this year is flying  so fast I fear am gonna miss something but am working again now got a great little job  as a waitress I get to indulge in delightful Italian food all in the name of work and service. I am studying to become a teacher and as far as my coping without nan everyday is different i have both good and bad days day where i know in my heart she is with me and loves me and days where i just don't want to lift my head off the pillow because life feels unfair but am on a good day so i chose today to blog . My little boy is loving being in nursery and i am finding myself getting things done without half the stress which is frankly bloody brilliant. I have been enthralled in reading again I am guilty as charged when I confess am obsessed with the Fifty Shades Trilogy. An I only wish I could say I was feeling the love for my beloved red men its been hit n miss off late mainly hitting the ball and alot of missing but have to say enjoyed both there 5-3 win an 2-1 win although I am glad of those am still praying for success on the prem front. I am still avidly gaming and all things music related although I don't see myself getting into the gangham thing thats flying about at the moment just doesn't float my boat. An also thanks to my ell-bomb friend am daring to attempt writing in a creative sense although i have hit a block after the first 4 paragraphs on what angle to take next but seeing as she is officially published I am taking her advice and just writing when the mood takes me.

By the way check out her book its well worth it the girls worked so hard on this for a long time http://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/product/B009HBR2PY/ref=oh_d__o00_details_o00__i00

But thats it really between serving drinks an serving tables essay practice down time and study am doing ok so i thought i would take some time to day hey still here still going and still working my way through the insanity of my life.

I need to get it out there

The smiles are cracking the face is faltering and i don't know how much longer i can hold myself together at the moment life doesn't seem to be catching up on me it seems to be stalking me down as though on some form of a hunt.
I am at the stage at the moment where I feel like am up against a wall my mummy role is where I seem to be struggling for love nor money I can't get my son potty trained and his tantrums and lashing out are wearing me down and all the time outs in the world are seemingly useless against his strength of will.
As well as that I am facing the prospect of having counselling to help me handle the loss of my nan as it seems according to medical people I am not processing it as I need to and they are worried as I feel the need to pick myself up get on with life an be strong ......... but I have to do that hence why I keep saying it every-time they tilt there head n ask how am feeling.
So although I have my boy to keep my busy n make me smile it feels as though my ability to handle things is a bit away from me at the moment and its not helped by this gut wrenching fear from what the counsellor is goin to have to say.
I know what is wrong with my an why my heads a mess is because I have lost the person who I went to for everything I advice ranting the whole 9 yards and she is gone and there is nothing that can change that but I am trying to cope as best I can and I know that I am going to have lows like this and there are gonna be days and times that suck frustrations over ignorant employers but I have to get on with it I need to pick myself up and get on with life because what good am to anyone if I don't.......

So time to use on a rainy day

Well i have been vacant from most of the worldwide web for a little while so i am pretty out of the loop but i m getting back on my feet and pulling myself together. We gave up the hell house which was causing alot of our stress and i got through saying goodbye to my nan as best i could. Now i just have to get back on with life and be strong for my boy he needs me and i needs me too be strong for me too as i cant let it eat at me how much i miss my nan she would only kick my ass for it if she were still here. So now i am back battling life head on and i thought the best way to announce that i am picking myself up and putting my big girl boots on to kick start the days. I am back staying with family so i am leaning on my support at home and i am grateful for all the love and kindness shown to me by my cyber pals its strange but some have shown more kindness and support than peopel who have known me my whole life. But i just wanted to say thanks mostly as i sit here tryna get warm on a baltic day snuggled by the fire. I have made a choice to run next years race for life and plan to do fund raising for the macmillian nurses who helped my family and em soo much so if you have a fund raising idea for a short arse with awful coordination let me know considering as man options as i can to raise as much as i can for the cause. todays blog will only be short and sweet just really a short mention that am doing ok and to pick your brain so please reply in comment box or tweet me any ideas for fund raising that i can look into .

much love an thanks xxxx

how am i goint to get thru this

i dont know what to do with myself nana lost her fight with ovarian cancer at 10:15 this morning i feel lost and numb i feel empty and as though i am in some horrible dream this has all happened to fast and i dont know how i am going to get through this i know she isnt in pain any more and she is back in my grandads arms but i miss her soo much it hurts i held her hand willing with every fibre in my body that she would squeeze it back. an finally my weakness in having to leave as i coudlt sit ther any longer convinced she had moved or breathed i just dont know how i am goin to do this now i need my nana an i miss her soo soo much its not fair that she has been stolen from me like this i am heartbroken lost weak and utterly devastated i just want to hug her n to hear her voice 

i dont know how to deal with this

just got home after what was a normal day spent with my son popped to the shop n made a call to see how my nan was only to be told that i was about to be phoned. the end of life (pathway) medication has started an i felt sick knocked to the core when i was told the rate she is deteriorating they don't think she has a week left how in the hell did this happen how didnt i see it or do more sooner i keep racking why didnt i know sooner and do something about this . I sit here in all honeslty what i can only describe as empty asking myself the same things and i dont have an answer all i can think is i must of  been evil in  a former life to have the one person who i never dreamt of loosing snatched away in what seems to be a cruel and sinister way if cancer was a person i would be locked up for a thousand years for the things i would do to it torture wouldn't come close to covering it . 

I hate that I am now powerless to the events that are now collapsing around me my eyes are sore i need to  cry but cant find the tears an i am lost how am i gonna cope without the person who i call for the recipe for my sons favourite cakes cookies or stew i never thought to write it down because i neer thought that she would  be gone and i know its foolish but now all i want is my nan to be able to tell me all the things she knows so i can keep the tradition going on and i haent done it and now she is so unwell that i cant and i realise how stupid i have been not to think of it sooner. I dont know how many more blogs there will be after this if i can muster it  i will and i hope i am wrong in my fears but i dont think this world is kind enough to let me be wrong.  

I just want things to be how they should be not like this this life is cruel and vicous and its unfair.

This is my be strange to share but for me its a kind of therapy.

hello i am back again but today its to talk about some thing that has currently happening in my life and to make aware to people just how anyone can be effected by this. I am the granddaughter of an astounding woman a woman who raised me when things were hard and helped me become who i am today. For a few weeks now i have been dealing with this lady who means the world to me being very ill an in discomfort. We were made aware that she had a cyst that they were going to look at treating the cyst seemed to pose no further danger than the discomfort but they said they would do tests just incase. Sadly my nan became increasingly weaker and unable to manage much food or drink all of which came to head on saturday just gone when she got rushed to hospital. After several tests we found she had a irregular heartbeat possibly brought on by a mild heart attack. This came as a huge shock but further tests were ordered. So today we went to the hospital after being told they had the results and were dealt the devastating news that my nan has a 25cm tumour on her ovary that they have found to be cancerous and that although there are potential avenues to go down the doctors advise us that she is simply too weak to handle them and they would merely cause her more distress than aid her as they feel the cancer has progressed to far this entire whirlwind took place over 4-5 weeks from her getting ill to us being told we can no longer do anything to save her. Today i have cried till it hurts and then cried again and i know some people will wonder why i have blogged this but for me this is like my diary of things i feel i need to say out loud i am scared upset and trying my hardest to be strong but i wanted to share my familys story of just how devastatingly fast our lives have been turned upside down as over the next few days/week/months we are having my nan come home so for however long we have left with ehr she can be comfortable at home with her family around her it is her last wish a wish i never expected to hear so soon and i will stand by it and now we look to the support of the macmillian team. I intend to post a link for  the ovarian cancer support site and the macmillain cancer support site if my story helps maybe one person think about getting that worry checked or helps some one in a similar place then i can tell my nan i show her my blogs and she knows i am an open book to all . thanks for taking the time to read this here are the links http://www.ovacome.org.uk/
http://www.macmillan.org.uk

So Close The Atmosphere Is Building

I'll be straight to the point this blog today is goin to focus on one thing and one things only the fan ruddy tastic weekend of sport with England Vs Wales in the Six Nations and then the Redmen of LFC storming into WEMBLEY. What more could a girl ask for her country of birth (wales) looking on good form to remind the twickenham heads how rugby should be done. An then onto the team that stole my heart many years ago heading onto the battlefield to face cardiff city. For me this bizarre show of support is simply clarified I support wales nationally because i live there an i am proud of the fact i am welsh but i chose to invest my heart an emotions into lfc which means for me the rugby although i want nothing less than a kick ass performance from the welsh rubgy boys who fill me with pride at being welsh every game i watch is merely foreplay for the main event on sunday.

I have to say in the build up i have spent many an hour browsing through youtube videos reminising on past glories of our cup success an have to say its long over due yo have LFC back in trophy winning position. I'm not even going to justify the haters who call it a mickey mouse cup or not important cup because any liverpool fan reading this knows who 99% of the people who say that are an i have wasted enough blog space on the likes of those in the evra saga.

So what are my hopes for tomorrow well a win obviously but i want to see LFC take control and show their dominance from the out set i dont want any chance of an underdog shock story as we see so often in competitions such as this we have the makings of a power house at anfield that merely needs care attention an fine tuning so heres hoping kenny puts his foot down an floors us to a outstanding victory an show of performance. We all have our ideas of who is gonna be the hero of the day an i think the captain mr gerrard will not disappoint an i think suarez will focus his head on the task at hand as he has shown he can handle himself in the face of adversity and witch hunters. So wether your watching the match at the pub with friends and a cold one or at home with the family i hope you like me will keep the faith and back our boys in taking the silverware we have long deserved because if am honest i think a win like this is just the sort of boost we need for those still lacking in confidence.
YOU'LL NEVER WALK ALONE!!!!!!

Well hello again......

All change in the wonderful world of me I have officially left the job that was making me miserable beyond all belief and I am amidst the process of training for my relief support work with full backing off my family who knew how unhappy I was in my old job. But life goes on and we pick ourselves up an get  on with life as normal.

I am looking forward to more time with my son and finding a steady job that I can enjoy as the relief work will on come as an when I am needed. So here's hoping that my time  spent forwarding CV's and cover letters pays off one has already brought me an interview date.

Also in me world I have to say bravo to Liverpool the spurs game although  wasn't won was a fair showing of strength as they although are a bunch of tax dodgers (I'm joking) have been known to play football well (so I hear). But my pride comes from the shower of misery we brought down on the red with frustration and blue with depression sides of Manchester and low and behold we have further pleasure this coming Saturday in facing off with them with a willing and able Luis Suarez making an appearance last night against spurs no doubt in preparation for our showdown against manure on Saturday. Come on LFC do us proud.

Also seen as my blogs never make much sense and I have a habit of going off on tangents I have to say oh my gosh how can any one cope with the pain caused by the horror that is wisdom teeth mine have been giving me hell and I have got an abscess on my gum so I went to the dentist as you do who told me take sum antibiotics which have done jack diddly :( so I have took to swilling rancid warm salty water round my mouth as much as I can bear.

In mummy world exhaustion is the note of the day between colds and bad dreams a solid nights sleep is something I think I wouldn't know even if I fell over it but here's hoping I fall over one soon :). But things are looking up so I am in general a happy lady indeed sure my jaw hurts but that will stop me jabbering away to much and LFC are doing us proud and my little boy is making me prouder by the day cheeky  he may be but I suppose having an outspoken mother like me will do that to a child and I wouldn't have it any other way.

More of the same

Hello again am back with another little blog on the events in my life.

As every LFC fan knows tonite we take on city in the cup a game you just can't help but look forward to the big clashes are always the best and we have got a good few coming up seeing as we have been drawn against the other half of Manchester in the FA cup as well. But first things first i can't deny i am a little bit happy they are without Kompany after his appeals at a red card went down like a lead balloon. I am hoping to see Bellamy and Gerrard play a strong role in the game. Sorry to say i would still struggle to miss Henderson's presence on the field but thats because personally i feel he is lacking presence on the field in the most part i know many will say it's age or that he is growing as a player but i still havn't seen the player that  should of come with his price tag. I really want to see Carroll start getting somewhere for me he just seems to be struggling but i hope with Gerrards fantastic deliverance like we saw starting to show in the Newcastle game. This partnership needs to be developed and made more efficient considering we are going to loose Luis S to his ban . So all i can hope for is we go tonite  as the away team and show city what we are made of before bringing them back to Anfield to kill it off. YNWA

In the mummy world things have been hectic as ever and thats nothing new really lets be fair with nursery runs arranging tax credits for childcare costs as well as potty training and the aftermath of where to put all the new toys from Christmas its been go go go as my lil munchkin says. We have had the joys of the answering back stage the no to everything and the i don't want to go to bed mummy arguments. But the reason i wanted to do a focused mummy section is because the other day i was reading the paper an came across a bizzarre story of parents claiming that the childrens tv show peppa pig was a cause of bad behaviour in children. Now call me crazy but last time i checked it was a parents duty to ensure they taught their child good behaviour not a tv show.  Maybe if parents didn't use tv's as child minders kids wouldn't play their parents up. It infuriates me that people blame outside forces for how their children turn out my son is cheeky and gets messy and is also sweet and loving. I wudn't have him any other way being cheeky shows me he isn't afraid to speak his mind  the fact he gets messy means he isn't going to end up paranoid about cleanliness or germs. As long as my son knows when i say no he understand and listens most of the time i can live because in all honesty what 2 year old doesn't have moments of defiance.



So  short-ish but made the points i felt i needed to and don't forget if you check out this page an like what you read leave me comment or check out some earlier blogs to you never know you might just find one you like :) take care an i'll b back soon no doubt my break from reality is over back to chasing my lil munchkin round and dealing with the day :) xx

back to reality

The festive season is past us an now we get the pleasure of resolutions we make that we will never keep in my case anyway, so this year my resolutions have been very simple: I'll spend more time doings activities with my son. I'll spend more time with the people who matter to me and take less notice of those who don't. An finally i won't allow other peoples burdens to weigh me down as I am one person and I can't change the world.

But enough of the heavy lets get back to the online posting pleasantries shall we. Christmas as ever was a exhaustingly hectic time of year anyone with a young child will know between finding the right gifts and then hiding them away so the lil monster doesn't find them is only half the task. As the mum i did what most mums do and took control of the entire shopping for the family a nightmare in itself but i stuck to my guns as discussed  in a previous post the only family members who had presents off me were the nieces and nephews everyone else regardless of their opinion was told the same i am focusing on the kids only. If they didnt like it tough luck

Our new years celebrations consisted of dvds a takeaway and a duvet curled up on the sofa and it was lovely no fuss no drama an waking to the new year fresh. don't get me wrong i know many people enjoy a good old knees up myself included but for me new year unless its spent round at a friends house party is simply a way for taxi companies bars and pubs to rob you blind.


My beloved Liverpool have had further race drama after a FA cup game against Oldham its now the fans that face the label of racists. It's too early too know the details but i feel that it needs to be understood by not only the public but by the media and the investigative parties that one bad apple doesnt make the rest rotten and that we do not deserve a label for one fools mistakes which is how i feel it's looking to be dealt with by the media when they use headlines such as another race row ate liverpool like it's some weekly occurance. So yet again a good evening football has been tarnished can we all remember racism has no place in football not via players or fans and as the LFC family we should stand united but i wont back the actions of a yobs when it makes the rest of us look the same we are fans of football a sport in which we all share a passion and a love for our specific team mudslinging in the form of racism is disgusting end of.

So its back to work back to weekends spent yelling at the telly at our team of choice and back to getting ready for the year ahead the birthdays the holidays the family visits lets do it all again and do it well life is only what you make it and i plan on making my year even  better this year i hope you all do the same and live life how you want to after all its your life go an bloody enjoy it :) xx